The Treasure

Arrr! Avast me mateys, there be an oriental palace on port Springvale Road, prepare to board and pillage. A gluttony of yum cha booty awaits those who are swashbuckling and truly buccaneer.

Mutiny to the cook who prepared the prawn dumplings, for they be powdery from the bicarb used to plump up the meat and scuppering the sweet flavour. Siu lung bao not shipshape for some sea dog misplaced the broth. Also forgetting the duck in the inaptly named bean curd wrap filled vermicelli, roast pork and mushroom. Should be marooned, a case of one dessert to many was the layered cake of egg yolk custard that hardened before arriving with the rest of the loot.

Halt short of making the landlubbers walk the plank and saving from Davy Jones’ locker, for there’s redeeming grub to be had. Shiver me timbers the siu mai is huge, the size of a jollyboat that’s extremely tasty. Something from the briny deep, thickly but spicy salted battered whitebait is worth its weight in gold. Beauty in the ginger and prawn dumpling, a rich saucy gravy over a moist wheat flour wrapping the precious meat inside. Sink me! The bao, with its soft, snow white fluffy textured casing containing char siu, egg custard and lotus seed are good. Striking the motherload though, the xue guo lor mei chi, balls of green tea and real red bean ice-cream inside a soft, doughy glutinous rice shell rolled in shaved coconut.

Whilst the wenches and hands gave amiable service, because of the scars left from consuming that prawn dumpling, set sail for treasures elsewhere. Arrr!

2 / 5 yums! (3 not taking into account the prawn dumping)

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Where? 482 Springvale Road, Forest Hill, VIC

What? Around $20 per person

Café Cinque

Man gets hit by football (in the groin), tears swell in the eyes as nostalgia gets the better of me. Heading back to an old stomping ground at Monash University, the crown jewel of on campus dining that is Café Cinque on the STRIP does that to you. A “yuppy” café in the modern IT centrepiece, a clever idea employing Bentwoods and outdoor tables covered by white linen and butchers paper to give it that Tsubi yet Just Jeans casual feel. High ceilings and windows for natural sunlight give rise to light and airy surrounds that could have been a five star city hotel lobby but if nature is your true calling, alfresco is an option.

Fittingly at a higher educational institution, what should have been an intoxicating joyous experience also turned out to an unexpected sobering lesson: it’s the little things that matter. Britney Spears it’s become, standards have slipped from the highs of “Baby One More Time” routine visits. Wait staff could be sharpened up with sleek black flat front pants, low heeled leather loafers and collared shirts instead of footwear and polos more suitable for treadmill strolls. Perhaps born out of bad design but walking through the dining area with the recycling is not cool. Serving tap water in a plastic cup is appropriate at rowdy college parties and BBQs at Jells Park. Recognising that a knife is redundant when eating pasta. The chilli, Pammy Anderson silicon protruding, could have been used sparingly to allow the saffron and marjoram to come through in the linguini and mussel dish. Perhaps extra touches such as thyme, bay leaves, sugar, wine, could have assisted the freshly diced roma tomatoes in an uninspiring Napoli which accompanied the gnocchi. There are redeeming qualities, the coffee is still alright and remains a good place to escape the books and hustle and bustle of the Campus Centre and Den.

If you think there are too many accountants, techies and lawyers graduating, perhaps you’d hope Café Cinque attends to these little matters to provide the unhealthy on campus distraction to slow the flood.

1.5 / 5 yums!

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Where? Building 75, Monash University, Wellington Road, Clayton, VIC

What? Average Main $15

Left to Right : Flat White, Saffron Linguini Con Cozze and Carciofi, Potato Gnocchi

Magic City

Cock back that coiled spring, release the plunger and shoot me into Magic City, a fine example of how a relaxed café bar should be in Camberwell’s heart. Designer shades, cushy ottomans, basketball pine with a few antiques give this playfield a homely modern feel.

Skilled shots of espresso present in the flat white, shaved chocolate garnishing the iced chocolate a nice touch that already earns this place replay potential. Masterful with the flippers, the cakes are a visual treat, with the apple and pecan tart and bonus rhubarb jam a delectable combination of fruity puree and nutty crunch. With bumpers, rollovers and slingshots on the menu, looking forward to nudging up the ramp next time to the fancied dining area for an Asian influenced match.

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Where? 871-873 Burke Rd, Camberwell, VIC

Left to Right : Iced Chocolate, Flat White, Apple and Pecan Tart

Butterfly

The Strokes packaged into a shop that could easily hold it’s own in Fitzroy with an industrial charm confined within four corners. A slightly art-grudge edge and retro red tones greet you once you pass through the beaded doorway, it absorbs a summery mood, shady cool as the environment is spared from further damage with minimal unnatural lighting used.

In true Brunswick Street fashion, little things surprise and amuse. Presented on floral plates which a prudent Asian mother would keep in the back of the crockery cupboard, perfectly poached eggs Florentine, the runny yolk released running side by side a subtly lemon tangy hollandaise to drench the Turkish bread its perched upon. A no fuss toasted baguette of tomato chutney with grilled cheese is a winner in the battle of the late afternoon munchies. With plenty of standard café options, a beautiful Butterfly emerges to brighten the dreary station surrounds.

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Where? 25 Cookson St, Camberwell, VIC

What? Average Dish $10

Left to Right : Eggs Florentine, Tomato Chutney Baguette

Kanpai

L: No cheers, only jeers for this Japanese establishment on the designer end of Chapel Street. Perhaps the name should be changed to “Yung sing” or “Gom bui”, considering how strangely Chinese it all tastes.

Flavours, a purely hypothetical chance encounter with a chef in the john and see them walk out without washing their hands, not quite right they were. Speaking of toilets, putting down the seat in a lady’s household, the veggies of peas, carrots and broccoli in the oyako-don, a considerate, token gesture but did not distract from the fact that it a very un-Japanese sauce blend that was too heavy on the soy. Maybe this excess spilled over, as it was perplexing why the rice in the unagi-don was seasoned unnecessarily with soy, perhaps to hide the eel’s lack of usual sweet kabayaki and smokey goodness. Bleached white and crumbed tonkotsu halted the procession of mediocrity, though not exactly tender but at least they got right bottled tonkotsu sauce.

However, price correctness didn’t exist as you certainly don’t get what you paid for. Had these meals been half what we paid, least that cash saved could’ve been spent over a few quiet beers at Bridie’s to kanpai something more deserved.

1 / 5 yums!

W: Stepping into the smoky surrounds of Chapel St's Kanpai, the soft greeting from a friendly maitre'd hints you might be being prepared for a ride. Our noses are delighted by the smell of barbequed teriyaki flavors with the familiar hint of soy, mirin, sake and sugar. Peering over the benches, we can barely catch a glimpse of a man dressed as the Itamae (sushi chef) layering sliced prawns onto small shapes of vinegared rice. Squeezed onto an izakaya size table, the comforting menu had the reliable favorites -dons, -ramens, -udons, -sobas. Could this be a hidden secret?

A suspicious sense things were not right were hinted when I placed my first order. "Oyakodon" - tender chicken pieces fried into a wet egg on rice. The waitress stares blankly back at me. After a few trades of finger jabs at the menu and more blank stares, my order.

This house of cards collapsed around the first bite. I couldn't help but remark Phillip J Fry's words when he remarked "This is the saltiest thing I've ever tasted, and one time I ate a bowl of salt". Searching to quench from a glass of water, I catch the inattentive wait staff busily uninterested and chatting... in Cantonese. Looking back down, I lifted the egg to reveal a chicken giblet mess of peas? carrots? snowpeas? While Zhang Zi Yi may have been successfully casted as Sayuri in Memoirs of a Geisha, this Pan-Pacific mash-up has only one possible verdict. Failure.

We sure were taken for a ride and show a hidden secret that night. This place gets 1 out of 5.

A: In T's regrettable words - "Lets go to Kanpai, the waiter looks hot" - on closer inspection she really wasn't..

That same sequence of events best describes the food at Kanpai.

Good from afar, but far from good.

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Where? 569 Chapel St, South Yarra, VIC

What? Average Main $15

Left to Right : Tonkotsu, Oyako-Don, Unagi-Don

Sue’z Delights

The Malaysian parents you never had. Homely in the true sense of the word, Pappa Vic and Mamma Sue welcome you into their tiny takeaway diner that’s tucked away on busy Princes Highway, Clayton. An impassioned coach Vic is speaking about the food in between politely barking orders to the back where Sue is waving that magic wand to conjure up those dishes. A new menu daily like a Hugh Hefner harem, the hottie staples of Penang and Singaporean Char Kway Teow and Hokkien Mee along with Roti and Gorengs are available most days. It’s on the weekends where it gets more interesting, and when I’ll return next for Mee Rebus and Siam on Saturday.

Red or black roulette, even more limited on Sundays with two changing choices, the Nasi Goreng Chincalok, fried chicken rib and thigh pieces topped with kecap manis with battered prawns, diced pineapple chilli salad, sliced omelette egg topping shrimp flavoured fried rice. Spike it up with Vic’s homemade sambal. No need to add anything to the Penang Hokkien Mee, a reasonably fiery and flavoursome prawn broth together with egg noodles and vermicelli, prawn and slow cooked pork on the bone. Wash it down with a yummy sugar syrup grass jelly drink, or condensed milk sweetened tea or kopi tarik. All this without losing too many chips.

Come for the fare, and your ear chewed off (in a good way), the food delights aren't the only thing you'll find.

2.5 / 5 yums!

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Where? 1915 Dandenong Road, Clayton, VIC

What? Average Main $8

Left to Right : Nasi Goreng Chincalok, Penang Hokkien Mee, Grass Jelly, Teh Tarik, Kopi Tarik

Goshen

An enchanting experience at the heart of Smith Street’s eclectic culture, it’s Korean in a fairy-ful forest that transcends the art of casual dining in Melbourne. Strong, bold dark wood tables take little of the mood lighting, the creamy lime of the walls evident when flash photography is used. The nature theme continues with stencils of flora and fauna framed by symmetrically Asian timber, a constant throughout the beautiful space that are as cute as your 3 month old cousin.

If the satin bound menus were meant to break any tension with humour, they serve their purpose. Trawl over the Advertisements (entrees), Forest Gump (vegetarian) or Titanic (soups) but it was the sizzling pots and plates that took the breath away, Top Gun style. The kimchi pancake would have made a reasonable wood fire pizza. Flavours Wimbledon streaker bold and Schwarzenegger strong, both the non-spicy versions of the beef bibimbab with its usual ingredients pre stir fried and the octopus and pork sizzling pot in a thick, sweet syrup. Plenty of onion, garlic and sugar, feeling a bit naked without PK to freshen the mouth odour. Desserts would have been a good closer, the chocolate dumplings worth a try but when you think you’ve seen Tinkerbelle sprinkling fairy dust, pushing that sugar high might not be a good idea.

2.5 / 5 yums!

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Where? 189 Smith St, Fitzroy, VIC

What? Average Main $18

Left to Right : KimChi Pancake, Beef BiBimBab, Pork and Octopus Pot